Column: Elon on Mars, a Dodgers GOAT and different assured predictions for 2023

Two years in the past, my column guessing how 2021 would end up went about in addition to former Los Angeles Metropolis Councilmember Nury Martinez sitting down for a Oaxacan meal at Guelaguetza. Not a single one among my predictions was proper.

I attempted once more for 2022, and wouldn’t you recognize? I obtained two proper this time! Hollywood is lastly respecting Latinos … so long as they’re fictional characters in fantasy worlds. And Kevin de León stays on the Los Angeles Metropolis Council.

Yay, me.

Divination is a tough process, however somebody’s gotta do it. In order 2023 comes up, it’s time to rev up the Gustradamus prediction machine and hope for a greater share — and higher outcomes. Could your holidays be stuffed with bourbon needs and tamale goals. And keep in mind: if even one of many following proves true, I’m obtainable for events and county festivals.

*U.S. Senator Dianne Feinstein publicizes she received’t run for reelection in 2024. With Democrats in a “Game of Thrones”-esque battle to find out who will exchange Feinstein, billionaire developer Rick Caruso publicizes his candidacy and switches again to Republican — his get together for many of his grownup life. He buys up each advert house possible within the lead-up to the first — radio, tv, Web, billboard, skywriting, Tremendous Bowl, automotive wraps, biceps tattoos, corn mazes within the form of his vast, vast grin. However Caruso’s message falls flat but once more, and he finishes a distant fourth, behind progressive Democratic congressmembers Adam Schiff, Katie Porter and a cardboard cutout of a taco truck.

*Kevin de León refuses to resign over his position in L.A.’s racist leaked tape scandal, regardless of calls from your entire Democratic Celebration institution and growing stress from activists. The latter group escalates its ways — extra in-your-face confrontations at neighborhood occasions, round the clock camp outs at De León’s dwelling, continued screaming and booing throughout Metropolis Council conferences — to no success. Then one among them remembers an adage from legendary progressive organizer Saul Alinsky — the best actions can typically be essentially the most ludicrous ones. On the subsequent council assembly, an activist sings “Baby Shark” till being escorted away by police, at which level one other activist continues the tune, and so forth. De León steps down inside hours.

*And what occurs to the embattled council member, chances are you’ll marvel? He strikes to West Virginia, hoping miners can take away that enormous chip on his shoulder. They don’t succeed.

*Former Los Angeles County Sheriff Alex Villanueva follows via on his current menace to run for larger workplace. He goes for the presidency of the Nationwide Little Britches Rodeo Assn., which organizes occasions for younger folks. The group disqualifies him, nonetheless, after researchers uncover his buckaroo talents are restricted to sporting costly Stetson hats and tripping on his lasso.

*The Dodgers fireplace President of Baseball Operations Andrew Friedman, whose reliance on sabermetrics throughout his eight-year tenure has resulted in a grand whole of 1 World Collection championship regardless of one of many greatest payrolls within the sport. The Dodgers exchange him with a goat that goes by the acronym GOAT — Best of All Time. GOAT lets supervisor Dave Roberts, you recognize, handle, and picks trades and free brokers by chewing on names it finds inside a haystack. The Blue Crew goes undefeated — I’m speaking 162 wins and 0 losses — and completes sweeps of each playoff spherical. However GOAT tragically dies of a coronary heart assault in the course of the victory parade. To honor their late exec, the crew publicizes they are going to serve free birria Dodger Canines on Opening Day 2024.

Dodgers President of Baseball Operations Andrew Friedman speaks at a information convention at Dodger Stadium in 2019

(Gina Ferazzi / Los Angeles Occasions)

*San Bernardino County efficiently secedes from California however can discover no state to simply accept it as a result of it’s San Bernardino County. So it proposes an alliance with the Northern California counties which have lengthy tried to depart the Golden State. The ensuing State of Trump instantly declares chapter.

*President Biden continues to really feel dangerous for Eric Garcetti, who couldn’t even get a affirmation listening to to be U.S. ambassador to India as a result of issues that Garcetti may need identified a few high aide’s alleged sexual harassment of colleagues. Biden tells Garcetti he’s as a substitute nominated for ambassador to Freedonia. An excited Garcetti prepares a information convention to simply accept the place, till somebody lets him know that Freedonia is the fictional nation within the Marx Brothers farce “Duck Soup.” Garcetti accepts the nomination anyway. He’s final seen strolling the Trend District giddily searching for epaulettes, ribbon bars and a bicorn hat a la Napoleon.

*Lastly accepting that California is struggling the worst regional drought in 1,200 years, residents rip out their lawns and exchange them with prickly pear cacti. A renaissance of dwelling cooking commences when non-Mexicans understand which you could eat the younger paddles and prickly pears when you take away the thorns. Nonetheless, Tucker Carlson wages a battle in opposition to the trouble as a result of the prickly pear cactus is on the Mexican flag. The Nice Garden Substitute Principle goes nationwide, and the Home of Representatives declares the plant unlawful.

In-N-Out Burger signs fill the skyline in California

In-N-Out Burger indicators fill the skyline in California

(Adam Lau / Related Press)

*Social media leaders understand their platforms are a pox on civil society and donate their corporations to the federal government so Fb, Twitter, Instagram and the remainder can rework into public utilities. Every tech titan chooses a special public penance. Mark Zuckerberg uploads himself into the metaverse so he can wander aimlessly for eternity. TikTok’s engineers convey down the Nice Firewall of China. Elon Musk blasts himself to Mars. As soon as humanity realizes Musk is there, all makes an attempt to colonize the Crimson Planet are placed on maintain indefinitely.

*Yet one more leaked tape surfaces, during which a sure L.A. Occasions columnist seemingly admits to not believing that In-N-Out is overrated, despite the fact that he’s tweeted it 412,312 occasions. The tape is doctored, I say!